TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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