I hate your face
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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