I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Someone shattered a urinal.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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