So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
