You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
