Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
