My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
