she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
