In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
