I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
