You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
