How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
