Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
