either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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