so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
