the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
