I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
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College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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