my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
