Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
