dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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