he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
