You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
