I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
