I just pynch a tree in the face
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
