apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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