before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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