He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
