Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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