I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
