Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
