opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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