My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
