genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
And then my night got REAL pukey
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
