remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
