I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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