i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
