Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just tell him i said nine months
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
