how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
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I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
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i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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