Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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