He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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