Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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