don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
