I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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