worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
