I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
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The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize