Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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