I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
