Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
