i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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