I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Dicks are not precious.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
