he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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