I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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