the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
