I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
