I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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