If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
