Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
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I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
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Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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