I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
