I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia