Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high