After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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