i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize