ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
